I’ve blogged here before about my struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I know there are some people who think S.A.D is bullshit, but guaranteed, those people have never felt depression like I do. Whatever. Anyways, before I get side tracked on a rant about that, I should get to my point.
There’s been a lot more than the weather that has been dragging me down. In no particular order, my worries include how to balance being a working mom with being a good mom, grade 5 math homework, keeping track of bank accounts, bills, spreadsheets, accounting, an ongoing health problem, stress at work, stress at home, sibling rivalry, not enough time in the day, global warming, war, famine, violence against women, and on and on…
Oh and there’s the seven years of bad luck I might be getting from accidentally breaking a mirror in the bathroom the other week. Not that I am superstitious, but with the way my life has been going, you never know.
Life sure hasn’t gone the way I planned. That’s an understatement. I thought things would be different. As a kid, I used to think that life got easier as you got older. Now here I am pushing 40 and boy was I wrong about that. The older I get, things seem to get more complicated and every decision I have to make feels like the weight of the world.
Being a grown up is hard.
I’m sick and tired of complaining. I do have many good things going on in my life that I am happy about, planned or not. We just booked a two week winter vacation to a tropical destination in January. I can’t wait for that and I’m very excited about the photo opportunities this trip presents. I have two fabulous children who are funny, healthy and light up my day when I pick them up after work. I have a husband who works hard to provide a good life for our family. I have a good job and friends who assure me that I am not crazy for feeling the way I do, and that their lives also have not gone exactly as planned and they survived! That does make me feel better and not like a complete f#$% up.
I figure that instead of fighting this, and holding tight to my plans, the only thing I can do is let go and come up with something different.
So what’s my new plan?
“My Life, Plan B” is not a plan at all. It’s more of an intention. It’s an intention to let go of the tight grip on my big expectations, take things one day at a time, do what’s in front of me to the best of my ability, and trust that the blur coming up for me on the horizon will become clear to me and worthwhile when I get there.
I’ll let you know how it goes.